A Disconcerting Thought

[»Míríel«]

Strong pillars of stone stood on what appeared to be shaky foundations. No wonder Cecily found her favorite haunt here, it was a contradiction in itself, this place. How could stone look so frail and fragile, yet be so strong? It was on these things Neron found a connection. He needed to think about some things, and strange enough he was drawn to this place. So many memories were tied here, and not altogether good ones. Even though he was on the other side of the city, away from Cecily, the thoughts kept coming to his mind. Still, unlike usual, this thoughts were not banished or restrained, but welcome. He needed to ponder on the things that transpired here.

Neron stood in the shadows, his dark form lounging against one of the stone pillars. He seemed dwarfed, an ant in the shadow of an elephant. Dispite this there was an air of danger and power that added mystery to his physique. This is something he carried around with him always, but was never completely aware of it.

In his hand was the wooden instrument that frequented his presence when he needed to think. It was his mental and emotional release. He hadn't believed it when his friend had first taught him how to play, but now he was eternally grateful for his friends wisdom. That instrument was lifted onto his shoulder and he held it there by placing his chin on the black chin rest. It didn't take long before music was wafting through the stone pillars, piercin the light fog that permeated the area.

As soon as the music began images and thoughts rose to his head. Thoughts of the killing of Ares, of his time of sickness with Cecily, even the need to buy the funny lady a new pair of scissors came to his mind. But the music began to grow deeper and more intense as the true problem that rested on his mind came to being. Jaedon. He loved her, that was apparent, but could he risk asking her to marry him? Could he be so selfish to put her life on the line for his own selfish desires? He knew that she cared strongly for him, and even loved him, but could he ask her to marry him?

[saerwen]

Jaedon walked among the dust and grass, looking back at the trees, suddenly wishing for their shade. The sun was too bright. She had sunglasses covering her eyes and they still strained and groaned against the light of that mass of a star the Earth claimed as its one source of light. Through the slightly blue tint of her sunglasses, Jaedon could see that the almost pure white of the stone pillars around her was not going to treat her kindly. She wanted to find some shady place and claim it for herself.

There was no hope of finding such a place from her current position so she continued to walk. Her black converse tennis shoes scraped against the ground as Jaedon dragged herself along. She had not really wanted to get up that morning but she had forced herself up. Jaedon found that, left to herself, she was starting to take up her more normal nocturnal pattern of life, and that didn't bode well for her, especially if she wanted to socialize with any of her friends at all. However, she had chosen one heck of an awful day to reform her bad, yet totally natural, habit.

Lazily drifting past some more columns, Jaedon began to scout out a nice resting spot. However, before she could get much further, something caught her attention. Drifting through the air, much like an aroma, was the sound of an instrument being played gently yet emotionally. Jaedon identified it for who and what it was immediately. There were only so many people that would be outside at this time of day, in this kind of weather, playing that kind of instrument, with that kind of emotion. She walked forward a bit more until she came closer to the source of the sound. She then quietly settled herself on the other side of the pillar, hoping that he wouldn't notice her presence until he was done. Her back rested against the rough stone, soon followed by her head as she closed her eyes and breathed deeply, enjoying every single note.

As she listened, she let her thoughts drift off and eventually thinking about the melody that he was playing. What was he thinking about to be playing music that sounded like that? It sounded confused and worried, but also sweet and soft. She wondered what could be the cause for such music, not stopping for a second to consider herself as that cause. There was a small part of her that wanted to jump into his mind and see what he was thinking, but that would no doubt disrupt his playing and possibly make him mad. She would delay her curiosity for the sake of the music. She was sure that some uncanny sense of his would tell him that she was there sooner or later and ruin everything, so she was going to enjoy it while it lasted.

She looked down at her dark green button up shirt and jean shorts. She was thinking about her conversation with Miriel the other day. For some reason, the music and the color of her shirt reminded her. She was starting to get a picture of what she was going to have to do. She had changed so much already, but there was still things that she needed to change. Jaedon knew that it would take time, but she also knew that she wasn't going to stop trying. To have come so far, there was no sense in giving up now. Somehow, she could already feel herself starting to view things differently. She just prayed that she would still think about things the same way when it mattered...like when she was mad. But only a test would tell that.

[»Míríel«]

Neron's fingers waltzed over the fingerboard as his other hand seemed to be made of water by the way the bow flowed so smoothly over the strings. All sense of time had vanished from Neron's mind, he could have played for one minute, or two days for all he knew. It had been a long time since he had been able to just play with thoughts tied into it. Not just a normal thought, but memories and conjectures that meant the world to him. Jaedon, his mind was full of her, of what their life could be, of what she meant to him. Memories of all they had been through flew through his head. His playing grew gentle, soft, but deep. Occasionally it shifted to a rapid pace and then to a airy and light one, but over all you could tell he was thinking of something that meant everything to him.

Then his mind shifted to his friend, the old violin maker. The tune grew light and almost full of laughter. Neron had shifted from his relaxing position to one standing straight and strong. There was something playful and caring about the music. His old friend, one of the few. He remembered how the man had carved the violin, specially for Neron, there wasn't another like it. IT was the man's best work. Suddenly the music turned dark as Neron's memory carried him to those dark days. His head bowed as his eyes grew distant, his mind numb. It was as if he was there, the wood, the splinters on the floor, all soaked with blood, and his old friend's hand a note was found. Tears gathered in Neron's eyes as he shut them, holding them back.

His mind still let the contrast between all in his past and now the present flicker before him. His music became chaotic and brutal. Then a last note erupted from the violin, it was flat and ended with a screech. A tear drifted down his cheek. The violin and bow hung limp in his hands and his head remained bowed, eyes closed. He knew what he had to do.

[saerwen]

As Jaedon listened to Neron play, thoughts strung randomly through her mind, but his music seemed to feed her thoughts. When the tone was light and soft she thought of fonder times, happier things, and found herself practically floating on cloud nine. But his music took a turn for the worst. It was filled with turmoil and pain, regret and shame. Jaedon was no longer enjoying the music that Neron was producing her. Part of it tore her heart in two and made her want to run to Neron and part of it made her want to back away in disgust. She had never thought that the violin could create such harsh and unpleasing sounds, but then again, she figured that even such an angelic thing could be ruined by tainted emotions, which Neron had plenty of.

Jaedon pushed away from the pillar as the last horrid note slid from the instrument and began slowly over to the other side of the pillar. She stopped mid-step though, contemplating whether she really should bother him or if she should just walk away. She stood for a moment in indecision and then something told her it probably wouldn't matter either way. She turned to leave, but as she did, she saw a single tear roll down Neron's cheek. The pain from his soul really had come out and Jaedon found herself on the brink of tears simply from the combination of the sound and the sight of his pain. She redirected her steps toward Neron and quickly and silently wrapped her arms around him in a gentle hug. She didn't say anything, she just couldn't bear to see him crying, and this was all that she knew to do.

[»Míríel«]

Neron was so wrapped up in his memory that he didn't even notice Jaedon approaching. When her arms wrapped around him he didn't respond, at first. Once his mind actually started to listen to his sensory receptors he jolted back, pulling out of her grasp. His eyes were wide with bewilderment, red rimmed from tears, and full of suspicion. Then he realized who it was. Jaedon.

"Curses." He hissed. "What are you doing here?" His words came out harsher than he had intended due to being frightened. He whirled around, facing his back to her. His hand closed around the violin's neck until his knuckles whitened. Ducking his head down he wiped the tears from his eyes quickly. He was glad he had turned his back to her, for a slightly blush of shame and embarrassment rose to his cheeks. What did Jaedon think of him now, as she caught him with a man's ultimate crime, a tear rolling down his cheek? "What do you want?"

[saerwen]

When Neron jerked back, Jaedon wondered whether it was from shock or from anger. His words didn't help much. She began to bite her lower lip and took a step back from him. Apparently that was not acceptable behavior from Neron's point of view. He didn't want her comfort.

When he turned around and began wiping his tears from his face Jaedon felt herself tense up. It made her mad that he had been so rough and that he was trying to hide from her. She had wanted to help him, but he had simply pushed her away and begun to act like nothing was wrong. She was tempted to scold him, but she stopped herself, realizing that she had no right to scold on grounds such as those. How many times had she lied and covered up her own pain from him in an attempt to declare that nothing was wrong? She could understand why he might do that. Feeling weak was a devastating and humiliating feeling. It made one feel so powerless and angry.

She wasn't comforted by his further words either, which were still rather harsh. She took another step back as she spoke, "I just came for a walk and heard you playing so I stopped to listen. I didn't mean to intrude. I'll leave now." She took one more step back and began to turn around and walk away. Neron obviously wanted time to himself.

[»Míríel«]

Neron felt ashamed of himself, now not only for showing weakness but how he had acted. How did Damion and Miriel make it look so easy? How could they have such security and confidence in who they were that they didn't have to worry about acting weak. She was leaving, good. At least he didn't have shoo her away by baring his teeth and showing his talons. Now she knew he needed his space. This reasoning didn't explain what happened next.

"NO!" Once again his voice was louder than usual and he turned to face her. Blast it! He ran his fingers through his hair nervously. "No, I don't mind." His voice returned to normal. "You just caught me off guard, that's all." HE ran his hand through his hair again and sighed. " I was just..." He lifted the violin as an explanation and then cursed under his breath. "She knows what you were doing stupid." He looked back at her. It was obvious that he was shaken. "How did you find me? You always manage to find my secret haunts."

Tell her to go away way. The longer she is here the more you will lose your resolve. You can't ask her to marry you. You can't. She means to much to you. Neron shook his head and tried to cover up his slightly shaking hands by kneeling down by the case and busied himself by cleaning the violin from the resin dust and putting it in it's velvet "cradle". He knew he wouldn't tell her to leave, well not yet anyways. He would find the right way to break it to her, he just had to wait for that perfect time.

[saerwen]

Jaedon was already furiously thinking about what was wrong with Neron and what she could do about it, or if it was her fault. That was her number one concern...What had she done? She began rushing through her memories of the past few days and searched for something, anything that could have made him upset, but she found no such explanation. However, he thoughts came to a stop when Neron called out to her. He didn't want her to leave? That was contradictory to his previous actions, but she decided that she wasn't going to argue with him. Her curiosity outweighed her previous desire to leave and made her turn around again and take a few steps back in Neron's direction.

Jaedon was lost for words as she watched Neron, in a mess of shambled pieces, trying to make it up to her for his previous action. She found it kind of cute the way that he was completely disheveled, but she also found it worrying that he was acting that way. There was nothing in Neron's nature that would make him nervous or skittish, or even at a loss for words. His mind worked fast enough to where he would be able to process events and words on the dot. Why was he acting so? Was he really that concerned about being caught crying, or what she thought of his soured musical performance? Surely not. Neron had never showed that he was self-conscious in regard to what she thought in the entirety of their acquaintance. Why should he start now? It certainly couldn't be because he loved her, no that should only have made him more capable instead of less so. What was he thinking about that made this so hard? She was so tempted to hurtle herself inside of his mind, but then he asked her a question. She brought herself out of her thoughts for a moment to answer.

"I wasn't looking for you, I just heard you playing and followed the sound. Besides Neron, the world is only so big," she spoke softly, not wanting to sound sarcastic, although the sarcasm was there in her words. She paused for a moment and decided that it would probably be better to get his response the right way rather than forcing it out of him, so she asked, "Would you mind if I asked what you were thinking about that caused such a response?" She realized that she was being nosy, but there were legitimate reasons. Something was obviously wrong with Neron and she wanted it fixed. As cute as he was in this uncollected manner, it was scary.

[»Míríel«]

Neron paused at her answer for a moment. Of course she had heard his playing? In an area like this sound carried farther than one thought, and today was quieter than usual. Why was he being so dense? It was like he couldn't think right now. This was a side to him he hadn't seen much and he didn't like it. He picked up on the sarcasm of his voice but ignored it, even though something flared within. The came her next question. Neron shut the violin case with a sharp snap and latched it securely. "Nothing that concerns you." He double checked the lock before standing up, still with his back facing her. Do not lie to her, she has been struggling to say the truth. You need to be there to show her the way. His shoulders relaxed slightly. Even if this way is uncharted territory for me as well? He didn't answer his question.

He turned towards her, his eyes now normal, even though his face had a vexed look to it. "I'm sorry Jaedon. I don't know...what has gotten into me." Another lie? Neron shook his head. "Well, that's not all together true... You see." His eyes grew distant for a moment then he pulled his hand over his face as if trying to start again. "I mean..." He stumbled and stopped, looking at the ground. why couldn't he spit it out? He needed to tell her it was over, that they could never be together. Why would his mouth and mind not work? Why did his heart feel like it weighted a thousand tons. "I'm cursed" The words seemed to have come out of him without his command. Was he possessed?

He slapped himself on the forehead, now she would wonder what he meant. "I mean I'm haunted. No! I'm, It's... my memories. I..." He was just digging himself deeper and with every word he grew more frustrated with himself. His fists clenched. "I lost someone who meant a lot to me ok?" He stared at her. "I can't be with you. You see this other person..." He put his hand over his eyes and sighed. Where were the words? Why couldn't he explain?

[saerwen]

Jaedon found herself recoiling from Neron as he spoke to her. What was wrong with him? She didn't like this new side of Neron at all, she had decided for good now. She simply nodded her head and continued to listen to him. He had at least turned to face her now. She didn't like holding a conversation with his back. If she wasn't allowed to barge into his mind, she should at least be allowed to look into his eyes. That in and of itself was a form of mind reading.

His words were confused and disorganized, very unlike Neron, yet some things never changed. When Neron didn't know what to say, he often stumbled. But this was so prolific that Jaedon became suspicious. Was he lying to her? She yet again, felt herself getting riled up about the possibility of him lying to her, but then she stopped to consider how many times she had lied to him. There were too many to count, more than she could remember. This was probably not his first time, but that meant nothing, because Jaedon could claim no better. She knew she was just as prone to doing the same thing, so she forced herself to be understanding and forgive him without mention. It was hard at first, but by the time that he actually got passed the whole first part of his discourse, Jaedon was starting to be fluent.

As his frustration mounted, Jaedon just sat there, her eyebrows furrowed as she tried to make sense of his broken speech. She was more than tempted to just read his thoughts, and she was about to do it when his words finally caught her attention in the worst of ways. I can't be with you. What was he talking about? She stood there in shock for a moment, her mouth hanging slightly open, and her eyes gaped. Her breathing became slightly erratic and she could feel her pulse pick up so much she was sure that Neron could hear it.

She then drew her head back and mouth still slightly open and then in almost a whisper she said, "Did you just say what I think you said?" She drew in a sharp breath and gave him a rather dark and menacing glare, "Because if you did, I just want to remind you of some things before you continue on, just as a warning of what might happen if you keep it up." She cocked her hip to the left and rested her left hand on it, "Because of you, I have suffered immense mental pain from trying desperately to ensure that you didn't kill yourself or anyone around you. Because of you, I have quite one of the best paying jobs in the world. Because of you, I have had to choke down countless criticisms, memories, and derogatory comments. Because of you, I committed murder. Because of you, I changed my character completely. Because of you, I am still changing my character. I had to kiss your freaking-evil alter ego, who had slapped me broadside not two seconds ago, because I was determined that you weren't going to go back to the Neron that you used to be. I put up with all of this because of one reason, I love you. That love looks forward to a happier life, and now, after all of the crap that we have been through, you are telling me you want to break up?" She crossed her arms, her hip still cocked, "Not a dern snowflakes chance in hell, buddy. You are stuck with me for life unless you can give me a reason that is better than the previous stated facts."

[»Míríel«]

Neron listened silently to her words. Everything she had said was correct, she had sacrificed a lot for him. Most of them had to happen for her to be happy and he knew that she knew that. Still every word she said made him wonder why he had let this go as far as it had. Why did he have to fall in love? That was something he had banished himself from doing long ago. This just happened so gradually and he knew what he was doing, but for some reason it had made sense. Now that it was getting very serious he realized his mistake.

Neron tried to make his face its usual stoic self, but he was having trouble. His eyes showed the sadness that dwelt in his heart. He took a deep breath. "Then, this snowflakes made of tougher stuff then you think, or hell just froze over." Finally he was able to slide back into his stoic mask. Neron's green eyes which usually were so full of fire seemed dead. "Changing your character is not enough Jaedon. I can't be with you. I don't think I would be able to explain why. I'm sorry that I am causing you pain. All I wanted to do was help you. I shouldn't have let emotions get in between us. It never should have gotten this far." He smirked. "I'm a loner and always will be. I'm sorry."

[saerwen]

Jaedon had been sure that Neron would come back with something to argue his point, but she was not expecting what came next. He was dead serious about this. It was like listening the black dragon all over again, but this time, his words were sweetened with honey. She felt her heart race faster and faster. She started to shake her head slowly. She refused to believe this.

His words were causing her more pain that he could have imagined, and Jaedon, whose mind was usually strong and unbreakable, fought to control herself. Her entire form began to shake and she felt her knees become weak as he finished his short discourse. Tears were brimming in her eyes and as she sank slowly to the ground, she felt them fall with her. She didn't sob, she didn't say anything, she just sat there, processing, if one could even call it that. Jaedon was inwardly striving to take in what Neron had just said, keep herself from exploding in rage, and stop herself from losing control of her power.

After a few minutes, Jaedon managed to pull herself from the ground. Her form felt like it was being weighed down with tons of bricks, and her movements were lethargic, but she was not going to grovel in the dirt any longer. Her bowed head slowly rose with her, giving Neron a blank expression, her eyes dead.

She took in a deep breath and then spoke quietly, trying to hide the fact that she wanted to shout at him, "If that is what you want, then so be it. But Neron, I want you to know that out of all the people in my life that I have ever come into contact with, out of all the physical and mental pain that they have caused me, you have caused the worst. No one has ever hurt me as much as you just have." Her composure slowly broke down with each word that she spoke. Tears still fell from her eyes, but it seemed that the emotion behind them was all but gone. Her bright green eyes began to darken. Control was slipping out of reach, but Jaedon grasped at it with all that she had.

She inhaled sharply and turned away from Neron, "I don't know why you are doing this to me again, but I am tired of hearing these words. I am tired of hope dying. So Neron, next time that you want to claim that you love me, don't do so unless you are certain you won't ever kill my hope again. You can't blame this on your black side, you can't rationalize this in any way that would currently make sense to me. But you know, Neron," she turned at looked back at him, the color fully drained from her face, "if you are doing this because of fear of something happening..." she paused, "Don't come back with a confession to me at all. I don't want to hear it from a coward." She then turned away again, "If you were truly in love with me, you would be willing to overcome that fear, so don't lie to me again."

It was in that moment that Jaedon finally broke. All of her control, all of her reserve, it all broke. Neron had been lying to her this whole time. Playing her for a fool. Or else, he had simply decided that hurting her like this was better than anything else happening to her. As her heart pumped against her chest, Jaedon realized that she would have rather been dead right now than hearing Neron say those words. It was in that moment that a part of Jaedon was drowned out and locked in the darkest parts of her heart, never to be uncovered again with any luck. That part was the hope of a better life. Ever since she had been little, Jaedon had always had the hope that life could be better, that she could improve, that things would change, but now, that part of her was gone. There was no more hope, there was no more love, there was nothing. Jaedon felt her heart freeze over and turn hard as rock. The barriers that she had worked so hard to break down began to pile back up and encase her soul. Neron would see no more of her secret heart. No one would for that matter. Jaedon had wanted only Neron to see those parts of her, and now, she locked them away so that no one would find them. If not Neron, then no one. Apathy returned, along with bitterness and resentment. It was fresh and harsh and it was all directed at Neron.

[»Míríel«]

Neron instinctively took a step forward and reached out his hand when she sank to her knees. Instead of catching her and supporting her he hesitated and his hand dropped to his side. He couldn't touch her, if he did his whole resolve would crumble and he would ask for her forgiveness. That couldn't happen, for her sake. She would move on, she would have to, as would he.

What happened Neron hadn't expected. It hurt him more than she could have dreamed. Still none of this showed on his face or in his reactions. His whole body was stiff and unsympathetic looking. The only thing he could do was look straight ahead, not at her. He couldn't stand seeing her like this, but he couldn't move. Everything she said felt like daggers being sent into his heart. He knew he deserved every one.

"Don't worry. You won't hear anything from me again. If you are lucky you will never see me again." He snatched up his violin case and turned. Without another word he went on his way, leaving her behind. If she looked at him he would have looked even more cold and uncaring, but she would not see the hurt in his heart or the tears streaming down his face. Fun while it lasted. Those were the last words to pass through his mind and they had a rather sarcastic air to them.

[saerwen]

Jaedon drew in a sharp breath as she heard Neron's words, but she didn't turn around, she couldn't. He walked away, leaving her there to pick up whatever was left of her emotions and walk away. She couldn't bear to think about it for long because she felt herself start to lose her grip on reality if she did. Her tears were quickly dried up and she found that she had no more to cry. One small step after another, Jaedon walked away, her determination growing with each stride. She had nothing left now, nothing but her memories. She would carry them back to the one place that she knew, the place she knew well. Screw Neron, and screw love, it was obvious she didn't need them anymore. She never had.

THE END