A Changing Heart

[saerwen]

Everything was bright and sunny, even in the shade of the trees. The rays of lights that pierced the foliage were almost blinding. However, it was better than being out in the open where the light might as well have turned the entire landscape five shade whiter. For Jaedon, it was almost painful. Her eyes were meant for the dark, and even in her human form, they didn't really like the bright light of the sun. When she had been younger she had wondered if it was the world trying to purify her soul and only hurting her because the evil was so deeply rooted in her soul. She now realized that was crazy, but there was still some part of it that she could almost see as being true.

She was sitting in the shade of a large oak tree that seemed caught up in the midst of an army of pines. She liked oak trees better than pines, they provided more shade in general. Not mention they looked better as well. She was currently in her human form, although she was wishing she was in her true form so that she could lay down and laze in the shade without having to worry about her hair getting dirty. However, she had purposely come out her to read, and read she would unless she was otherwise disturbed. In her hand she had a copy of The Scarlet Letter, about halfway read. She had read it before, but she happened to love the story, so she had decided to reread it. She couldn't count how many times she had felt just like Hester, like she had a giant scarlet letter plastered on her, warning everyone to stay away because she was nothing but trouble. While her letter wouldn't have been an "A", there were plenty of other things that it could have been. Unlike Hester, Jaedon knew that her closest friends would not abandon her, and neither would her lover. Unlike Hester, Jaedon was glad to realize that she was not completely alone.

As she read, Jaedon bit her lower lip, not really realizing what she was doing. She had pretty well gnawed them red, as red as her shoes. Suddenly, she tasted something unpleasant in her mouth. Her nose scrunched up as she realized that her lip had started bleeding. She sighed and began to suck on it to try and stop the bleeding. When she finally got it to stop, she was about to go back to her book when she saw someone coming towards her. A mischievous smile came to her face.

[»Míríel«]

Miriel wandered through the Black woods with a smile on her face. In her hands were some bright white flowers, their dainty petals spread out about a yellow center. Her feet carried here this way and that as she wandered under the large trees. It was beautiful here, even though a bit dark. Actually, now that she thought about it, life was beautiful at the moment. She was married to the most wonderful man she knew. What more could she want?

Her smile grew brighter as she thought of him. A picture of his pale face came to her mind as she thought of the flights they took together through the air after their marriage. What was he doing right now? Even though they spent a lot of their time together, she missed him. The feeling was like loosing your right arm. She blushed slightly, they really were one now. She had never understood that term before, but now, now she knew what it was like. In marriage you became so close to the one you were bound to, dangerously close. You saw each other as who they really were. If it wasn't treated right and if forgiveness wasn't something you were used to, both of you could end up in shambles.

Stopping under one of the trees she buried her face in her little bouquet of flowers. The scent was sweet. 'Mmm" She sighed as she lifted her head and smoothed one of the petals between her fingers. They were so silky and soft. Resting her back against the tree she clasps the blossoms to her bosom. Leaning her head back with closed eyes she let the sunlight dance on her face, making patterns with the movement of the trees in the wind.

[saerwen]

Jaedon watched as Miriel took a few steps towards the tree and then leaned up against it. She had apparently completely missed that Jaedon was sitting not far away. There was a part of Jaedon that said she should take this opportunity to scare Miriel, but then she thought better of it. She had been hoping to run into Miriel to ask her some questions, so she didn't really want to start this conversation off roughly. Or at least, not by scaring Miriel half to death. There was a part of Jaedon that wondered what in the world had Miriel in such a daze that she was hardly paying attention to her surroundings. She glimpsed at the daisies in Miriel's hands and then a smirk lit up her face. She stood up silently and walked over to Miriel quietly, coming from behind.

"Well, if it isn't the newly wed, missing her better half," Jaedon spoke softly, but with mischief as she leaned in slightly towards Miriel before pulling away and moving to where she could face Miriel. "Did Damion give you those?"

[»Míríel«]

Miriel's eyes snapped open as her head jerked in the direction of the voice. Even though she recognized the voice before she laid eyes on the owner, it still startled her. She took a moment to calm her racing heart before straightening from the tree. She couldn't hide the blush at the name newly wed, or Damion. Miriel just tried to hide it but looking down at the flowers. "No, but they reminded me of him." She let out a laugh. Looking up, with the blush, though faded, still on her cheeks. She smiled, "I'm hopeless aren't I?" Suddenly Miriel paused for a moment, narrowed her eyes and tilted her head. "You cut your hair. ' Her eyes brightened as she flew over closer to Jaedon and observed it critically. "It looks beautiful!" Deftly she tucked one of the daisies behind Jaedon's ear as if were her mark of approval and stood back. He laugh was heard again. "You make me want to do something drastic with my own." She frowned slightly, "Though I think Damion would kill me."

Looking at her friend, Miriel clasped her hands behind her back, still holding the flowers. "Now what are you doing here?" Her eyes dropped to Jaedon's hands. "Reading?"

[saerwen]

Jaedon smiled at Miriel as she shyly spoke about her new husband. It was almost pathetic, but Jaedon envied her. She would love to be half so mild and innocent as Miriel. "You are not hopeless, you are in love. There is no shame in that. Personally, I am really glad that you two got married. Maybe now he will stop bothering me so much about what I do and bother you instead. He is so protective." Jaedon was speaking the truth. She hoped that Damion's new wife would cause him to focus his protective habits on her rather than on Jaedon so much. Although, Jaedon had to admit that Damion was the closest thing to a father that she had.

A grin lit up Jaedons face as Miriel examined her hair. "Why, thank you!" she replied to Miriel's compliment and then looked at Miriel with shock on her face. "Oh no, Miriel, he wouldn't kill you, he would just make sure that you never left the house ever again. He couldn't live without you, so he would just lock you up and make sure that you never did such a silly thing again." Jaedon then put on a thoughtful face, "Although, I do think that a haircut might look good on you. Maybe it is just my bias talking, but..." she left off the rest of her phrase.

When Miriel asked what she was doing, Jaedon looked at her book, "Yeah, I guess that was the original intention, but it kind of turned into a thinking session." She paused for a moment before asking, "Can I ask you a question?"

[»Míríel«]

"No, I guess there isn't." Miriel smiled at Jaedon, " Perhaps he will leave you alone, though old habits are hard to break. I don't think Damion can stop protecting those he loves so easily." It was true, even though Damion could be overbearing with his protection he did it as a sign of love. Miriel didn't mind to much, she enjoyed being protected. Even though Miriel could take care of herself and had for many years, she was the sort that did not like fighting unless there was no escape.

'You are welcome!" Miriel raised an eyebrow at the mention of being locked up forever. "I'm afraid that would be just as bad." She laughed. "Though, perhaps it would be worth the risk. Though I dearly like my long hair." Miriel enjoyed the versatility of her straight black locks. With a couple pins she would arrange it in knots behind her, or when a carefree spirit rushed over her, she would let her hair ripple behind her.

At the mention of a question Miriel tilted her head slightly. "Oh really? What do you have to ask?"

[saerwen]

Jaedon laughed at Miriel's rather indecisive answer, "I wonder if that is the sound of a chicken that I hear? I think you are too scared to cut your hair. Have you ever had it short?"

Jaedon thought for a moment, biting her lip again as she did. How was she supposed to ask this without sounding too desperate? She wanted help from Miriel. She need to know how to be normal...well, as normal as she could be. She needed to know how to share with Neron the things in her heart that she was always too prideful to share. Everything within Jaedon wanted to be her very best for Neron, but there was something in her that always got in the way, every time. She was so easily anger, so easily offended, and so scared. She hated to admit it, but that was why she was so protected and closed up. She was scared of being hurt, of returning to the way that she used to be, of becoming like her parents, of becoming like Fische. How did she get rid of those worries, of those fears?

She looked down and began to speak rather quietly, like she was telling a secret that she didn't want anyone else to know, "If Damion wanted to know about your past, would you tell him? I mean, your past is what you guard the most. Would you tell him, and if so, why? If you would hesitate, then why would you hesitate?" Jaedon would start there and then figure out the rest of her questions later.

[»Míríel«]

Miriel raised an eyebrow, "I will choose not to take offense at that statement." Miriel's face cleared and grew thoughtful. " I think I may have a century ago... but to be honest I don't remember what it looked like."

As Miriel studied her friend before her a surge of curiosity filled her. This is not how Jaedon usually acted. She reminded Miriel of a child whose hand was caught in the cookie jar. Her head had lowered an so had her voice. Miriel actually had to pay attention to catch her words. Usually Jaedon looked to straight in the eye and spoke what was on her mind, not caring if it hurt you or not. She usually kept everything under a well fitting mask. It had taken Miriel a long time to start to loosen it, but even still Jaedon clung onto it as if it were her salvation.

Miriel puckered her lips slightly as she reached up and twisted her hair. IT was habit she had when she was deep in thought. "I believe I would." Her brows knit together. "We are a couple and he has a right to know. I don't think I would go spouting every little detail every time he saw me, but if he asked." She lifted her gaze to Jaedon's. "I would answer." She pulled the flowers infront of her and gazed at them for a second before continuing. 'Because I trust him. Relationship of any worth is founded on trust." She looked back up at JAedon, "If I hesitated it is because I would worry about our future together, and if it would destroy our relationship. But if he truly loves me, and loves me for who I am it is silly to be afraid." She smiled, "All of us have skeletons in the closet, some more than others, but we all have them. Anyone who really cares about you is going to know that but still love you in despite of it."

[saerwen]

Jaedon listened to Miriel and nodded her head in agreement. She could see the logic of Miriel's answer. However, one thing struck her. Miriel seemed to base everything on trust. Did Jaedon not have enough trust in Neron to share with him? And if she didn't what was the reason for that? What had he ever done to make her distrust him? In fact, as she thought of it, she couldn't help but realize that Neron had always acted in a way that was meant to secure her trust. Neron was no fool. He realized that a relationship had to be built on trust, so he had done everything that he could to make sure that she would trust him.

There was a part of Jaedon that was willing to just open up and tell Miriel where these questions had come from, but for some reason, she felt a little embarrassed and so she tried to cover it up as much as she could. Hopefully Miriel wouldn't figure out why she was asking these questions.

"So, is there anything that Damion could do that would make you lose your trust in him, or would you trust him unconditionally? And if you do trust him unconditionally, how does that happen?" She paused for a minute and then looked at Miriel with an almost comical face that was a little bit puzzled, a little bit worried, and a little bit clueless, "And what do you do if you have an irrational fear that you know is completely ridiculous, or maybe would have a bit off credit if under the right circumstances, how do you get rid of that kind of fear? I am just starting to realize how many things I am afraid of and how much I worry." Jaedon tried to cover up some of the more relational issues by putting her own thoughts into the equation.

[»Míríel«]

Miriel held up her hands in protest. "Slow down, slow down! One question at a time!" She shook he head as a smile came to let lips. "These questions are more characteristic of Neron than you." Miriel sighed and shook her head. It seemed that there was more to this then just the surface questions. Jaedon' usually didn't care about relationship problems, Jaedon usually didn't care about anything unless she was going through it right now.

Something clicked in her mind. Studying Jaedon's face for a moment confirmed it. Jaedon was worried, she was asking these questions in such a flurry it was apparent that they weren't out of common curiosity but a need to know the answer. Miriel wasn't dumb, and she knew that if she let Jaedon know that this could be able Neron JAedon might close down. It would be better if she acted like this was all between her and Damion, at least for now.

"There are always things that someone can do to make you lose trust. Just as there is always a way to stumble and fall no matter how long you have been walking. You just have to go through life trusting it isn't going to happen, and if it does, picking yourself up and continuing. That is love. It's not just an emotion, it is seeing the faults of another and moving past it. It is being there for a person and helping them through life no matter what the sacrifice. If Damion and I were so entangled in ourselves, our relationship would perish and crumble."

"Of course I have fears, though they may be irrational to others, they aren't to me. Just think of me and water, we don't go together at all. To Damion, though he is very patient and kind with me, it may seem irrational and foolish. To me though, it is anything but." She paused for a moment. "I'm afraid the only way to get rid of it is to face it." Miriel reached out and placed her hand on Jaedon's shoulder. "It is not wrong to have fears, it is how you act on them that determines their and your character." She let her hand fall to her own side. "If you let pain win, it will cripple you. Believe me I know."

[saerwen]

The moment that Miriel mentioned Neron, Jaedon's cheeks flushed pink. She had figured it out. Of course she had. Miriel wasn't stupid, and she wasn't blind either. All of Jaedon's questions were directly linked to her relationship with Neron. She knew that Miriel would have a hard time relating to some of her problems because they really were quite different, but Miriel usually had good answers to give, not to mention that she was already a few steps ahead of Jaedon in regards to relationship issue. She was the best person for Jaedon to be talking to.

When Miriel finished, Jaedon got a very upset look on her face, "What if you have already been crippled by the pain? How do you get back?" It was true. Jaedon had been crippled by the pain. It had been a few years before she had met Neron, and that was one of the reason that she was always closed up. She knew the pain that came with betrayal, and she knew it well. But now that she had someone that she knew wouldn't double-cross her, she had to figure out how to trust like she used to once again.

"What if you were like me, having been so well guarded and shut up, and you wanted to change, you wanted to open up to people? What would you do? I mean," Jaedon paused for a moment before continuing, "I have been lying for so long, I hardly can tell the difference between the truth and the lies. I have acted for so long like I don't care, like I am cold and heartless for so long that I don't even feel real anymore. I can't tell the difference between when I am acting and when I am truly being me. I don't even know who 'me' is. How can I possibly distinguish between the real side of my heart, or the lies of my mind?" Jaedon realized that Miriel had probably never had these kinds of problems, but perhaps she had some suggestions.

[»Míríel«]

Miriel watched as Jaedon's cheeks flushed pink. She had been right. IT didn't take long for Jaedon's face to turn from flustered to upset. "You have to overcome it. You must rely on others to be your legs and support you through it. It is a long and trying process. You can only be released when you utterly and completely trust someone to help you through it." Miriels eyes widened as she thought about walking on the ice with Damion. "Damion has been there for me and even though facing water has been hard, he is helping me through it, slowly, but surely."

"I don't have to pretend Jaedon." Miriel smiled, "Though it was long ago."Miriel paused, searching for words to say. A smile crept to her face. "Jaedon you are being real right now. You are acting like yourself at this very moment. Don't you see?" Miriel's smile brightened. "Your heart may have a hard casing around it, but it is not cold or dead. It is still there, beating, yearning. It just has been forgotten about. Perhaps this outer casing of your heart is starting to crumble. You need to have the courage to hep the shell break and look within. You are a beautiful person Jaedon, inside in out, I have seen it for a while, I have hoped you would as well. Perhaps now it is your time." Her smiled faded, "But do not think that your shell has not altered you in some way. Every scar or barrier we have put up shapes us and builds us to be who we are. If you hate any part of it, it will only poison you and bring life to the past you once lived. Accept it and move on."

"You may be like a turtle in a shell for a bit, but you must pull out and look around you, see the ones that love you and care for you. We will be there for you to help you." A smile marked with mischief came back to her lips, "I dare say, he will always be there for you. Jaedon, you ultimately decide who you are, we can only give suggestions."

[saerwen]

"He is actually getting you used to water? That is a miracle," Jaedon joked with Miriel, but then she sobered.

"For some reason, I have never had a problem looking inside myself, but I have a really big problem with others looking inside. It is such a strange and exposed feeling. After so many years of being the person that is inside other people's mind, it is weird to think about someone being in my mind, seeing my deepest thoughts because so many of them are terrible. If there is any part of me that is good, I am sure that is the part that I keep locked up, because I can't seem to find it. It brings the most terribly lost feeling in the world, and I just want it to go away."

Jaedon's eyes cut sharply at Miriel when she mentioned Neron, but her cheeks lit up with color, "I know that he will always be there for me, but I just feel like I am never there for him, and I want to be." When Miriel mentioned that only she could shape who she was going to be, Jaedon thought for a moment and then asked another question, "Did you change much for Damion? I mean, I know that the whole water thing is kinda a leap of faith, but was there anything else? How much would you have changed for him?" Perhaps her problem was that she was trying to hard to change.

[»Míríel«]

"Yes, it is." Miriel smiled.

"Very few people like others looking into them. Which is probably why people are always uncomfortable when you are around, or get angry at you. Thoughts are very private things Jaedon. Remember not everyone can see into you like you can to others, so they must settle with what you give them. If you give them nothing, then you are leaving them up to their own observation and deductions." Miriel paused. "Don't think that you need to tell everyone what your deepest thoughts are. I don't even do that. You have a right to have a filter. You just have to make sure that it isn't a barrier. If you are saying things that are manipulative or false to what you are truly feeling than you are lying to the other person. To do this to friends isn't truely being a friend to them at all."

"Perhaps it is staring you straight in the face and you just can't see it. Do not think you are totally hopeless, but let me tell you, you don't always keep it locked away. From what I understand you are someone who fights for those they love, and you are extremely loyal. I think that is a good starting place. Instead of thinking about the negatives of your character, why don't you start looking at all the good things you have done. Perhaps you will find yourself there."

Miriel got a confused look on her face. "No, I did not change at all. HE loved me for who I was in the present. sure he may have expectations of the future, but I think if none of those were to come true he would still be happy that I am who I am." Miriel smiled. "As overused as it may be, be yourself Jaedon. Its the only thing you can be."

[saerwen]

Jaedon's brow creased for a moment and then she realized that Miriel had just given her a big chunk of her answer, the answer that Jaedon had been needing. She was so used to being able to read other people's minds that she hadn't really stopped to consider that Neron had nothing to go on other than what she told him, what she gave him. He knew little about her thoughts or about her desires. She protected herself so much from telepaths and other threats that she had gotten used to leaving those walls up to where she never gave anything at all. If she would share her thoughts more, that would help Neron get to know her better. She could take what she wanted from him at the bat of an eye, but he had to sit and guess.

Jaedon gave a slightly embarrassed smile, "I guess that I am scared that if I start to tell a few things, I will just let it all loose. But I guess the reality that I need to come to is that Neron is probably going to find out about them, all of my secrets I mean, at one point or another." She gave a slight laugh at herself, "Considering all of the stuff that we go through on pretty much a weekly basis, he is bound to hear something out of me at some point or another." She was thinking about their most recent problems, an almost disturbed look coming to her face as she thought about Neron when he was at the wedding, or even on the beach. That had scared her.

Jaedon raised an eyebrow in doubt, "I don't think so. I already have a pride problem, Miriel. I don't think lifting myself up will help." She paused and then added, "But I agree with you that bashing myself isn't going to help much either." She then sighed, "I guess that I am just going to have to find a happy medium where I realize how much I need help, but also that I am not so hopeless as I seem." She then looked at Miriel with a wan smile on her face, "Who knew that dependency could be such a tough issue, eh? You seem to have no problem with it."

A smile came to Jaedon's lips. Yes, Damion would have loved Miriel so long as she stayed Miriel, so long as she continued to be the loveable little bird that she was. Jaedon smirked, "It seems that I am still figuring out what 'myself' looks like, but I think that I will be able to make it."

Suddenly, Jaedon no longer had a desire to talk about herself, so she switched the subject, "So how is married life treating you? I haven't seen you since I left after the wedding." A mischievous look came to her face and she asked, "Where did you go on your honeymoon? I am not going to bother asking whether you enjoyed it because I know that you will say that it was wonderful."